oh my blog!- Laura Darby Singh -

Andrew Lloyd Webber hates musicals.

I don’t say this because he’s a hateful man, but he writes impossible musicals. After seeing Jesus Christ Superstar for the first time live last month on Broadway, my thoughts on ALW are only confirmed.

This musical has suffered some scathing reviews (New Yorker, New York Times) but I wonder if the complaints about this musical are really not more a reflection of the musical itself, instead of this production?

I don’t know who decides to write a musical about Jesus. Let alone the days that lead up to Jesus’ famous demise.  Of course not all musicals are full of happiness and singing and dancing… lots of famous musicals have brutal third acts … but as a subject matter, it’s a difficult one.

Then factor in the era in which it was made, and that 70’s flash doesn’t really go with Jesustime leprosy and brutalism.  So just as a musical CONCEPT it starts off extremely strained. The idea of Disco Jesus Death is ridiculous, so when you’re putting on its musical representation, you might as well go WAY over the top.  À la Samuel L Jackson in Snakes on a Plane! If no one thinks you’re taking yourself seriously, they’ll be less judgmental.

That must have been the rationale for this production.  But does it pay off?

From the top, the post-Apocalyptic wardrobes, news ticker informing the audience of the Crucifixion Countdown, and video screen backdrop, the production team lets you know RIGHT AWAY that you are in for a DISCO CRUCIFIXION FUN RIDE.

My companion at the musical said that the performers were dressed like they were invoking Mad Max, and it’s not a lie. Disco Mad Max. Yea, that’s a normal combo.

Like many Webber musicals, the songs as standalone numbers are decent, too, and the performers were skilled.  I remember hearing “I don’t know how to love him” in High School and believing that it was a proper love song. Out of context, you’d have no idea it was about Jesus.  Which is why it works.

Our Judas was the understudy, but he was very honestly the stand out in the whole show.  I mean, he sort of HAS to be, because of the way the part is written.  Singing! Dancing! BEING ABLE TO SING FROM A LOW D TO A HIGH E.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? You wonder why I say that Andrew Lloyd Webber hates musicals? Do you know how many male performers can do that, WHILE dancing and climbing and wearing sequins!? This is a difficult note for WOMEN to belt. A MAN belting a good HIGH E? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST SUPERSTAR. I’m gobsmacked.  Or in this case, GODsmacked.

But our Judas was AMAZING. His voice was clean and his high notes were just incredible. Why is he an understudy?  He certainly won’t be for long. Jeremy Kushnier, fame is coming for you, Superstar.

Judas isn’t the only part that’s written crazy. Caiaphas, the high priest responsible for Jesus’ trial, is a LOW LOW bass. He needs to be tall and imposing and be able to sing a LOW F.

 IT IS IN THE BASS CLEF. That’s how LOW it is.  Andrew Lloyd Webber, this is a LOW BLOW.

Funnily, the least challenging role is Mary Magdalene.  Our Mary was “famous” and has played Evita and a number of other lead roles on Broadway, but she was underwhelming overall.  It’s not a particularly inspiring role, all things considered: you look mournful and attentive.

OUR Mary had a MESSENGER BAG, that she carried around the WHOLE SHOW only to have it with her to put under Jesus’ head so he could sleep comfortably. Take it off, put it on. That’s the ex-prozzie’s life, I guess. She HAS “had so many men before, in very many ways.”  Some lyricist, Tim Rice.  Some lyricist.

Now, everyone these days expects a real Spectacle™ on Broadway since they’re paying $150. It’s the Disney Broadway Mantra, and JCSS was no exception. Except that they’ve also taken a page from the “How to Attract Viewers to a Showtime Show” handbook.  Which of course means BOOBS!

The Temple scenes of this musical were SALACIOUS.  The costumes were… well, half-absent.  I wonder how many Broadway costumers have had to make that many leather banana hammocks for a single show before.  Maybe they can win a Tony for banana hammocks?  I can only hope.

Maybe Jesus hated the SexyTimes, but the producers knew that their audience was full of flesh-worshipping heathens. As someone who is not at all conservative, I still felt my eyes bulge out of my head at the combination of scantily clad ladies and men, and gyratic dancing.

With all of this Jesus-disapproved Musical Debauchery, when we finally got to the Herod scene, it felt almost… tame? It’s a danger when you are out to be OVER THE TOP, scenes that are MEANT to be “Over the top” don’t have anywhere else left to go. The guy playing Herod reminded me an awful lot of Dom DeLuise in History of the World

My companion was offended that Herod’s playing of a Gay stereotype was so hammed up and seemed to elicit some “HAHA gays” response from the audience. But I figured, what’s so surprising about homophobia in the audience of a Jesus musical?

What shocked ME was that during the finale of the main number, where Jesus is crucified, the audience was CHEERING AND CLAPPING AND HOOTING AND HOLLERING. Like… WOOO! HOIST HIM UP!

I looked around, incredulous.  Weren’t we supposed to be ROOTING for Jesus?  Were they just excited that the musical was nearly over? Do you just turn on some flashing lights and disco music and people will cheer for anything? Were they having epileptic clapping seizures?

FUCKED UP.

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There was some funny peripheral kibitzing around us.  The family behind us seemed to think the musical was a good time for a Bible history lesson, except that they didn’t seem to really know whether or not the musical was “accurate” because they weren’t even sure what day it was or who the President of the United States was. Seriously, it brought the LULz. They also seemed to be unsure about why Judas came back after he was dead to sing some more songs. “Was that his original part, and he’s doing both tonight while he understudies?” He’s in sequins! Of course he’s a ghost!

But seriously, if you’re coming to the theatre to learn about the Bible, you’re in the wrong place. 

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So, at the end of the day, did the musical succeed?  It certainly had a lot of razzle dazzle, and amazingly skilled performers.

It suffered from some possibly preventable tech issues that a lot of these new FLASHY musicals seem to have.  We had a couple minutes of darkness while they had to reset things in the middle of the finale number so that the BLINDING “JESUS” could blind us from the video screen in its 9 foot-high white IMPACT-fontness.

Jesus’s microphone didn’t work when he was giving his final speech about peace and love before being crucified, but no one cares about that anyway. They were probably all watching the hot-pantsed go-go dancers behind him anyway.

And don’t even get me started on this whole trend of Broadway performers who can’t fucking project over all the hoopla and all need to wear fucking lavalier microphones.

It was certainly over the top. The set was interestingly done with these moving rolling staircases and climbing ladders and scaffolding. If you wanted to know what Jesus looked like hooking up his bungee cord, go and see this show.

But as a show, it still falls flat.  The only song that anyone ends up remembering when they walk out is the chorus of “Jesus Christ Superstar” which just happens to be the words “Jesus Christ! Superstar!” over and over again.  SOME people might remember “I don’t know how to love him” but my resounding feeling now, after seeing it last month, is that it is a WASTE of talented performers.  It is SUCH a challenging show that you’re having to pull really skilled singers from way outside the basic blasé Broadway bellcurve, and essentially preventing them from putting their amazing voices to better use.

As a show, it doesn’t have any striking messages other than “Don’t be jealous of prozzies” and “Being crucified sucks.”  It doesn’t make you think. It’s not in any way revolutionary or resourceful.

It really is like Snakes on a Plane! I went opening weekend and people threw rubber snakes at the screen and hollered and it was hilarious. But I’d never buy it on DVD or watch it at home because it’s ridiculous one-time-only dreck.

The real difference being that I paid $150 a ticket to go and see Jesus Christ Superstar

…now I wish I’d brought some rubber snakes.